


That day's starlight that we saw together

by choihahyun



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Therapy, but it's non-graphic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29678187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choihahyun/pseuds/choihahyun
Summary: In a long process of healing, Yeonjun meets Soobin in group therapy. Together they find out how their broken parts fit together.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 13
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a work of fiction, but many elements and emotions that I will be sharing in this story stemmed from my own personal experiences — the good stuff, the bad stuff, and the journey that I am going through to heal.
> 
> Please read the tags. Tags will be updated when necessary. (And if there are certain things that I have forgotten to tag, please do let me know)

Yeonjun doesn't think it's necessary for him to attend group therapy. He's coping well on his own as long as he has junk food and video games to occupy his mind. His last meltdown was over a month ago, and even his therapist gives him a thumbs up every time they end their sessions because he's showing steady progress. It was a lot faster than anyone anticipated, and Yeonjun thinks that this time, he will really be okay. More than okay.

But his mom keeps on meddling in his business. He knows that she's doing it out of love and concern so when she replaced all pointy cutlery with plastic ones that barely cut through her overcook steak, Yeonjun doesn't say a word. Maybe group therapy is where he should draw the line, but he could never win against an iron woman as his mom.

So, on a pleasant Saturday morning, instead of frying his brain by playing Fortnite, Yeonjun sits among ten other people with the same broken parts as him. Some of them were much, much more destroyed and barely hanging by a thread. But a handful have managed to glue back their broken pieces together.

The spacious room was as blunt as he imagined that not even the printed posters that say "You can get through it!" could mask the chipping paint on the walls. There were some illustrations pinned on the large bulletin board that occupied the back wall. They were drawn in crayon and were most likely children's artwork.

Just beside the entrance, there was a long table filled with snacks and a relatively new coffee machine. There was a black board at the front wall with the words "Session 04: Progress" written in white chalk. And in the middle of the room were ten chairs circled together so that each occupant faces one another.

Yeonjun hesitantly observes the group. Majority of them are close to his age. There were two middle-aged men with hollow cheeks and ashy skin. Then another blonde woman with a bright lipstick on. She looks like a pirated copy of a Hollywood star.

And across from where Yeonjun is seated is a boy who was about his age. He was sat back so that his legs stretch out on the floor. He has black Converse high tops on, a purple shirt with a long-sleeved black and white striped shirt underneath. He has a single hoop earring on his ear, a faded blue hair, and a nonchalant vibe that makes Yeonjun wonder if he hates being here as well. His nametag says 'Soobin'.

"Alright, everyone!" The leader-slash-therapist chirps. "I'm glad that all of you have returned for our session today. But before we start, I want to introduce you to our newest friend here today." The leader, 'Hobi' as indicated on his nametag, says 'friend' so easily that it makes Yeonjun cringe. Hobi gestures to Yeonjun and urges him to introduce himself.

Yeonjun raises a hand to wave. "Hi. I'm Yeonjun."

"Hello, Yeonjun," the group echoes robotically. Soobin smirks at him lazily, taunting.

"Tells us a bit about yourself, Yeonjun!" Hobi adds.

"Uhh..." How much can Yeonjun say about himself? Should he even mention why he's here? Is that a subject that he needs to open, because he's not sure if he wants strangers to know about his own issues. All of them have their own issues anyway.

"Just anything you're comfortable sharing," Hobi says when he senses Yeonjun's hesitation.

In the end. Yeonjun settled for, "I'm twenty-one years old. I like dancing and shopping for clothes... I guess."

Hobi smiles proudly, somewhat satisfied by his answer. Yeonjun looks back at Soobin who quirks an eyebrow at him before he decides to draw back his attention to Hobi. He opens the session with an anecdote about his morning. Yeonjun's not sure what its relevance is to their session, but he listens anyway and tries to ignore the fact that he could see Soobin staring at him in the corner of his eyes.

* * *

Okay, maybe the group therapy isn't as bad as Yeonjun thinks. His first session on progress gave him valuable insights about his own growth and healing. For instance, progress doesn't follow a strict quantifiable means of measurement. It ranges from the smallest, most mundane things to bigger milestones that are usually long term. Hobi encouraged them to celebrate the little things as much as the bigger ones. So when Yeonjun got home that day without opening a bag of chips, he applauds himself loudly to the point that he worried his mon slightly.

He went for another session, and then another, and by his third attendance, he finally manages to approach his fellow members first to ask about their day. The blonde woman — Seri — is actually the easiest one to get along with. She's nice and she brings tater tots for sharing. One of the college kids, Dakyung, shows pictures of his dog to Yeonjun before the session starts.

Slowly, the word 'friends' seem fitting to describe those people to Yeonjun. It's been a long while since he last called someone that.

On the fourth session that he attended, Seri bought s'mores pops. Bless her soul. Yeonjun munches on his third one while scanning the rest of the snacks table. There were chips and sandwiches. Hansung bought donuts, too, but they don't look appetizing right now.

"So, like, do you do ballet?"

Group sessions are fun, but there were also less fun parts of it like opening up about their feelings, crying, stale chips, and well, Soobin. Said person is currently leaning against the wall at the end off the snacks table. He's wearing a black hoodie and is picking apart pieces of the donut instead of biting them off like a normal person.

Then again, the people here are less than normal, including Yeonjun, so maybe he shouldn't be too quick to judge.

Soobin isn't particularly antagonistic towards Yeonjun. In fact, he's actually nice. He laughs along with the rest of them, jokes a lot when the conversations get too tensed. And he also helps Seri bring her snack contribution sometimes if it's too heavy. Then again, Soobin looks at Yeonjun a certain way that he can't distinguish. He doesn't glare or narrow his eyes at Yeonjun — he just looks. Sometimes, it's as if he's lost in his own thoughts and is making a mental map of Yeonjun's face. A bit weird, but not too creepy for him to alert Hobi.

"What?" Yeonjun asks, surprised that Soobin finally talks to him one-on-one after so many sessions.

Soobin pops a piece of glazed donut in his mouth. His dimples appear when he chews on his food. "When you introduced yourself, you said you love dancing. So like, do you do ballet?"

"N-no," Yeonjun stutters. "I'm just interested in it. I didn't study formally."

Soobin nods his head. "Your mom picks you up after this session," he says like it's a fact, which it is. Yeonjun's mom doesn't seem to be weaning off of her doting phase. He can't blame her.

Yeonjun nods. And so does Soobin. Then Soobin pushes off the wall, finishes his donut, and then claps the sugar off of his hands before putting them inside the pockets of his hoodie. He goes back to his seat and completely ignores Yeonjun for the rest of the session.

When their session ends, Yeonjun spots his mom's car in front of the building as usual. She's leaning against the passenger door with her phone in her hands, but she quickly pockets it when Yeonjun nears her. She has a smile on her face like she's proud that Yeonjun's finally healing under a professional guidance while also socializing with other people that are not animated or fictional characters in a video game.

"Good session?" she asks.

"Yeah.

"Hi, ma'am." Yeonjun turns and sees Soobin towering over him and smiling his signature dimple smile to his mom. He pushes his bicycle beside Yeonjun and stops. "You must be Yeonjun-hyung's mom."

Hyung? Since when were they close? They have only conversed earlier and Yeonjun could barely call it a conversation. And now he's apparently 'Yeonjun-hyung'?

Soobin stretches out his hand which Yeonjun's mom shakes. "I'm Choi Soobin. I'm one of the kids back there," he points at the building.

"Oh," Yeonjun's mom remarks. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Soobin."

"I just want to say that the kimbap you made for us last week was—" he makes a 'chef's kiss' gesture "—phenomenal."

Yeonjun's jaw drops. Who the fuck is this person and what did they do to the tall and awkward boy named Soobin? Why is he making friends with his mom? Yeonjun's jaw drops even more so when he turns to his mom, who actually blushes and giggles at the compliment. What is happening right now?

"Oh, stop it," she says coyly. "I don't cook much, but my Yeonjunie has always loved it so I thought sharing it would be nice."

"And it's more than nice!" Soobin looks at Yeonjun and smiles, but not the kind he gives his mother. He smiles like he's up to something sinister and Yeonjun doesn't like it. Soobin turns back to Yeonjun's mom. "Well, it's nice to meet you, ma'am."

"You can call me Yoojin, it's fine."

Soobin beans at her. "I'll take care of your son, don't worry. I'm going to head off now. Bye!"

Who's going to take care of whom? Yeonjun is practically seething and he's ready to throw a punch at Soobin for taunting him for some reason. First, he completely ignores Yeonjun for a total of three sessions, makes weird conversation with him for the fourth, and now he's buddy-buddy with his mom and is going to 'take care' of him?

Soobin seems to have sensed Yeonjun's negative aura so he quickly mounts his bicycle and pedals like there's no tomorrow.

"Nice kid," Yeonjun's mom comments before going to the driver's seat. Yeonjun could do nothing but roll his eyes.

Choi Soobin is up to something, most likely to grind his gears. But why? Is this considered covert bullying? Should he report to Hobi? No, that seems petty. But whatever Soobin's planning, he better not go through with it because Yeonjun would not hesitate to kick him in the balls.

* * *

"Let's go get ice cream."

This week's session is all about guilty pleasures. Hobi said that every single person on Earth has a particular guilty pleasure that they are ashamed about admitting. For Sheri, it's collecting tiny models of big things. Yeonjun shared that he likes binging Masterchef and judging the contestants like he knows any better about food. Hobi admits that it's scrolling through Zendaya's Instagram page. But then he also reminds them that they shouldn't be too guilty about the things that make them happy for as long as they know when to draw the line. Guilty pleasures can be addicting, but in moderation, it's just as good as taking vitamin supplements — you're not sure if it has any effects on you, but you feel better knowing that you've consumed them.

They take a short break for snacks, and also to give them a bit of time to reflect on the impact of their guilty pleasures in their lives. Yeonjun writes some of his thoughts down on a piece of paper while munching on apple slices. Suddenly, Soobin slides into the seat on his right and looks at him expectantly.

"Let's go get ice cream," he says with a flat tone.

"Excuse me?"

"You. Me. Ice cream."

Yeonjun narrows his eyes at Soobin. "Why? We're not friends." Or at least, Yeonjun doesn't consider Soobin as such. They have a total of two conversations including the one they are having as of the moment. And frankly, he doesn't even know if he wants Soobin to be his friend. They don't seem to click. And Soobin acts all to mysterious and contradicting that it starts to confuse Yeonjun.

Soobin pouts. "Of course, we are. I know your mom and I told her I'd take care of you."

"No one forced you to do that," Yeonjun points out. "Besides, you met my mom once. And what is it with you and this taking care of me bullsh—" Yeonjun glances ar Hobi. He discourages using profane language in the building. "Bullcrab."

"Bullcrab?" Soobin teases.

Yeonjun rolls his eyes and sighs in exasperation. "Point is, no. I'm declining because we're not close." Yeonjun hopes that he says it with finality and that Soobin would take the hint so he goes back to writing and crunching on his sweet honey crisp apple slice.

But Soobin — to no one's surprise — doesn't budge. "My treat."

"Still no," Yeonjun says without looking up at him.

"The ice cream place is so cute and the flavors are bizarre."

"..." Yeonjun doesn't bother answering and hopes that Soobin would just leave him alone.

It seems like Soobin has but then, "But I'm sad today." His voice sounds different that it makes Yeonjun halt from writing. He still doesn't look up and waits if Soobin adds up to that. "It's my guilty pleasure. Ice cream. I'm trying to lessen it 'cause I know it's bad for my health. But... Today has been a little bit difficult." He sounds nothing like the playful and sarcastic Soobin that Yeonjun knows (or rather observes). He sounds so small and a bit scared that if he doesn't get a temporary solution to his problem, he might explode.

Yeonjun could empathize to some extent. There are days when he just doesn't feel anything but feel too much at the same time that it's hard to breathe, hard to label what kind of emotions he's feeling. On those days, he spends most of his time with his mom and they do things like finishing a hundred-piece puzzle or knitting. Sometimes he cries. Sometimes he just stares in the ceiling of his bedroom and wonders about his existence. Sometimes, those days go on for weeks, and it's difficult to just get out of his own head when he's the one who's trapping himself in.

He wonders if it's the same thing with Soobin. Maybe not. But regardless of what degree their experiences are in, Yeonjun knows that no one deserves to feel like shit.

Just... why him? Yeonjun's sure that someone else could comfort Soobin better — someone who actually knows him. Someone who's actually his friend.

"I'll ask permission from my mon first," the words spill out of Yeonjun's mouth before he could realize them pushing their way out of his lips. But he can't take them back. Damn him and his soft heart.

Soobin's eyes widen slightly, but the surprise and relief were still apparent in the way his dark irises shined. His bow-shaped lips quirk into a smile, the kind that Yeonjun has seen for the first time. It was genuine. It's like he's taken off his mask and stopped pretending to be this cool guy that pleased everyone.

In that moment, Soobin looked like he was just a kid.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have updated the tags and the rating of this fic just to be safe so please read them carefully and proceed with caution!
> 
> Thank you so much for all of your feedback on the last chapter.
> 
> I got a bit too carried away when writing this one, I just can't stop all the emotions. So it became one big giant chapter. Oops.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading!

Yeonjun should have seen it coming, but he still finds himself surprised when it finally does. Looking back at it now, a lot of things make sense and he should have paid more attention to them rather than dismissing the whole idea off and insisting that Soobin is just one strange kid. He should have seen the signs, should have listened more to what their other co-members have said. Damn, he really should have listened to his mom more so this situation would be a little less awkward. Or even better, for this situation to not have happened at all!

But there he was in a secluded part of the museum, in front of one ugly painting that really shouldn't have a dedicated area to it, and he's frozen to the spot. Soobin's tall figure towers over Yeonjun, his hands on either of Yeonjun's side. And his lips... They're placed softly on Yeonjun's chapped ones and Yeonjun wonders how it got to this point.

Perhaps he should step back and remember the events that led to this.

When did it all start?

The ice cream thing. Yes. It was definitely from that one time Yeonjun agreed to Soobin's invitation to go get ice cream. Coincidentally, the week after that, their session's topic was change.

One Saturday morning, Hobi walks in the room with bright red hair and an even brighter sun that could challenge the sun. He looks so excited, the group just looks at him weirdly. It's not that the freshly-dyed red hair doesn't suit Hobi. It just looks different, he looks different. He looks more like a kpop idol having a comeback rather than a therapist for a group of fragile people.

"Nice color, Hobi," it was Soobin who greets him first. It must be because he can relate to some extent. Soobin also has dyed hair. It's quickly fading into a weird gray hue and his black roots are showing severely, but it's still blue.

Hobi thanks him and proceeds to write "Change" on the blackboard. "Change. It's inevitable. It always happens. The weather, the stock values, even your blood cells change daily," he starts. "But change can be scary at times. It can be difficult to adapt to something new when we're so used to doing what we do and believing in things that we believe.

"But change can also be a good thing, a good push to a right and maybe even better direction. That's why all of you are here!" Hobi gestures to the group. "You made a significant change in your lives because you know that this is for the better. And I'm proud of you for that big change, but..."

Hobi shuffles to the middle of the room, inside the circle of chairs. "Change can also be a small thing like changing our seating arrangement."

There's really no strict rule on where they should sit in the circle. Yeonjun took the empty seat during his first session which situated him between Sheri and Dakyung. The next week, he just automatically assumed that's where he's supposed to sit because everyone else were also seated in the same position that they did the week before. Perhaps changing it up a bit would be better. After all, he's still not too close to the other members. It's a good opportunity to gain new insights from other people and actually make friends.

Yeonjun jokingly says good bye to Sheri and Dakyung before walking across the circle to take Hyomi's previous seat. He settles in nicely. Hobi is seated directly in front of him this time. To his left is one of the older men, Taeseung, who greets him with a pat on the back only a dad would do. And to his left is Soobin.

Yeonjun does a double take. Soobin notices his surprise and smiles at him mischievously. "Hey."

"Hey," Yeonjun echoes before deciding to look back at Hobi. He also has an equally mischievous look on his face. Or maybe it's an illusion brought by the red hair, Yeonjun is not sure.

He decides to ignore it and also Soobin and focus on the session.

It's just that ignoring Soobin the whole day became a difficult feat when he's literally tailing Yeonjun. He even gets a plate of nachos for the both of them to share. Yeonjun wanted to refuse, but he insisted that it was too much for him.

(" _Then why did you get too much?"_

_"I told you, I wanted to share."_

_"You should have asked me first!_

_"I'm asking you now!_ ")

The weeks after that, Yeonjun's mom tells him to bring another batch of kimbap for the group. It was an absolute blockbuster and Soobin keeps pestering him about teaching him how to make it.

(" _You really should teach me how to make these amazing kimbap rolls."_

_"I don't make them, my mom does."_

_"Oh, well then, ask your mom to teach you so you can teach me."_

_"Or you can just search on the internet how to make them."_

_"It won't be the same. Maybe I should just ask Yoojin-ssi to teach me herself."_

_"Are you flirting with my mom?_ "

_"What?! No_!")

The look of Soobin choking on a piece of kimbap roll will forever be engraved in Yeonjun's mind, a funny memory to keep him up on his down days. But that night, he actually asked his mom how she makes her kimbap. She was a bit surprised considering he doesn't have an interest in cooking before. She lets him help wash the vegetables, but she doesn't let him cut them. He finds out that his mom's kimbap wasn't anything special. The ingredients are the same as a normal roll. Maybe what makes it a bit tastier is the fact that his mom made it. In that case, Soobin might really be flirting with his mom. He knew there was something weird about the first time they met!

"Mom, the next time you pick me up from therapy, don't get out of the car."

There was one session about clearing the mind of worries. It was like group meditation of sorts. Hobi made all of them close their eyes and hold hands. Taeseung's hand felt rough and full of callouses, a testament to his hardwork as a mechanic which he learned from chatting with him over Hobi's brownies.

On the other hand, bot figuratively and literally, Soobin's hand was sweaty. Yeonjun scrunches his face and wants to let go immediately but Hobi was still going on about connecting with the group. So he endures it for a few minutes. It doesn't help that Soobin was treating it like a joke — he grips harder every time a minute passes. He doesn't let go even when Hobi tells them to.

Yeonjun sends him a murderous glare, but he only counters it with a cheeky smirk. His dimple was testing Yeonjun's presence. He tries to pull away his fingers away from him, but Soobin only holds tighter and even had the audacity to place both hands on his lap. The session continues like Yeonjun's skin is not burning. He tries to pry his fingers off again. Soobin doesn't budge. He was then coaxed to look down on their intertwined fingers and gets a glimpse of Soobin's skin again.

He sees the scars and burns littered on his skin. He sees the untold stories on his fingers and on the back of his hand. For a moment, he forgets the numbing sensation on his hands. He looks up and meets eyes with Soobin who was still smiling at him before it drops immediately when Soobin realizes his exposed wounds. Soobin withdraws his hand and puts it on the pocket of his hoodie. Yeonjun wants to apologize for looking (rather, for looking like he pities Soobin when he has his own ugly parts), but the words were instead replaced by an awkward cough before he straightens up to listen to Hobi.

Soobin leaves him alone for the rest of the session. He also leaves the building with quick steps, making Yeonjun wonder that maybe he touched upon something too vulnerable for Soobin. Hobi senses his worry and brings him aside while the other group members file out of the room.

With a wary smile, Hobi says, "I'm sure you have a lot of questions, Yeonjun. I can't say anything about it because it's not my place to do so, but I can assure you that you're also helping him."

"I'm not sure I'm doing anything," Yeonjun counters.

Hobi laughs. "You may not know it, but you are doing a good thing just being there for him. Humoring his antics. There's just—" Hobi sighs deeply. "—some things that he's still not ready to face. I'm sure you understand."

Yeonjun mulls over the words that Hobi said that day. He's helping Soobin somehow which is still a strange concept to him because he's never been especially helpful to anyone. He's caused his family a lot of trouble before. And he also did things to himself that also contributed to his self-disappointment. He lifts his shirt up and runs the pads of his fingers on the dark scars on his pelvis and stomach. He could never place them somewhere he knew would alert the attention of anyone so for a few months before everything went to shit, he managed to convince his mom and the world, really, that he's fine.

Maybe Soobin wants to fool the world like he does, pretend that the ugly parts of him don't exist. But they could only do so much. Sooner or later, someone's going to get a glimpse of their true, broken selves. And thinking about it is scary, to be exposed like an open wound, like a spectacle for everyone to judge.

Suffice to say, Yeonjun wasn't able to sleep that night and the following nights. He kept thinking about the look on Soobin's face, hie scared he looks like he's ashamed that someone has seen his worst insecurities. He kept imagining what it would be like if someone would prod at his old scars like that as well. It's like reliving memories that they're better off forgetting. But they could never forget, not with the reminders etched on their skin.

Yeonjun didn't want to say anything to his mom, but Yoojin became too perceptive ever since the incident. He could see how curious she is during their meals even though she never asks. He hopes she doesn't. And she never did.

Instead, she takes them on a spontaneous Friday afternoon date to a cafe that Yeonjun has never been to before. Yeonjun's glad for the distraction which was in the form of his mom telling him about her day, the drinks she's looking forward to ordering, and how she probably has a crush on the male lead of a new drama she's discovered.

(" _Lee Dohyun? Mom, he's old enough to be your son."_

_"Ew, don't say that!"_

_"But it's true! He's like, what? Four years older than me?"_

_"Oh, shut up. If he existed back in my day, he would have fallen in love with me_.)

They finally get to the cafe, which was bigger than Yeonjun anticipated. But the atmosphere was warm and quiet. A number of tables were filled with couples on dates, students unwinding, and office workers having what seems to be a business meeting.

Yoojin's phone rings. She rolls her eyes and mumbles "demanding clients, I swear to God" before giving her wallet to Yeonjun. "Love, get me a large hazelnut latte. You order whatever you like. I'll just get this for a moment."

Yeonjun nods and scans the menu board while walking to the counter. When he's about to place an order, though, his jaw drops when he sees Soobin on the other side with an equally-surprised look on his face. He was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt under a brown apron with the logo of the cafe. He also has a black cap on his head with the same logo.

It was weird seeing Soobin outside of their sessions. He doesn't look different, but it's a reminder that he's more than just a guy who sits beside him while talking about their feelings. It's kind of like realizing that your teacher doesn't live in school or something.

"Oh, you work here?" Yeonjun asks.

Soobin seems to have gotten his composure back. He awkwardly smiles and scratches the back of his neck. "Ah, yeah. You... I mean... Can I get your order?"

"Y-yeah." He gets the hazelnut latte for his mom and a flat white for himself.

"Should I write it under your name or your mom's?" Soobin asks.

"My name's fine."

Soobin starts making the beverages. He does so with complete ease and almost a mastery that tells Yeonjun that he must have been working here for quite a long time. It's fascinating to watch him work, to watch him glide on his station flawlessly, almost confidently.

"You know," Soobin speaks without looking up from the drinks. "You can sit down and I can call you later when I'm done preparing these."

Right. This is the part where Yeonjun's supposed to scroll on his phone mindlessly while waiting for their drinks like a normal customer does. Instead, he watches the barista like it's the first time he's seeing one. "It's fun to watch," Yeonjun says. "But if it's distracting, I could just go."

Soobin halts momentarily from his crafting and slowly meets Yeonjun's eyes. His face was blank. "It is."

"Oh," Yeonjun stunts.

Then, Soobin's face breaks into a smile. "I'm just messing with you." He goes back to working on the drinks again while Yeonjun plots on his head how to maybe flick Soobin over the counter to get back for teasing him. "I'm just saying that not a lit of customers watch. But since you're here and I'm done with your drinks already—" Soobin puts the cups on a tray and places it on the counter for pick up. "You can just get these and be on your merry way."

Yeonjun looks down and sees Soobin's uncovered hands again. Their scars were still there, just as expected. And they immediately disappear back into Soobin's pockets when he notices.

Yeonjun looks at Soobin and musters the guts to actually say something this time or else he won't be able to get another chance again. "Uhm... About last time. And I guess, this time, too..." Words are being too difficult for him to find at the moment but he forces to pull whatever's in his vocabulary out of his mouth. "I don't... I don't mean to stare. And... I don't judge you. It would be hypocritical of me. And... uh... I don't pity you or anything. I know that could be far worse than judgment. I just... I'm sorry," he finally says with a huff of breath. "I should be a bit more sensitive about these things."

Soobin looks at him like he's grown another head. He wonders if it was he right place and time to be a bit more vulnerable with the guy who sits beside him in group therapy (it probably wasn't), but Soobin just smiles again, a bit gentler this time without the usual hint of mischief.

Soobin shrugs. "It's fine," he says. "I don't blame you. They're a bit bizarre. Don't apologize, though."

Yeonjun tries to speak again, but Soobin cuts him off before he even does so. "It's fine, I promise. Now you should get a table and drink those before they get cold."

Yeonjun grips the tray without breaking eye contact. He really should say something more. He's not sure if Soobin understands why he said all those things to him. But his mom emerges on his side and gasps. "Soobin? You work here?"

They exchange a few pleasantries before Yeonjun and his mom were forced to finally get on the table when a couple of customers arrive. They sit on a booth which was cozy and has charging outlets for their phones. Yeonjun sips on his drink gingerly and watches Soobin from his station, wonders more about the difference between his barista persona and the one he puts up during group therapy, wonders if there's something more to the boy with blue hair.

* * *

The next day was the first Saturday that Yeonjun dreads waking up to. He's bot forced to go to the therapy session, but he's been making amazing progress lately and he thinks it's not worth skipping just because he still feels awkward about the thing with Soobin. He figures he could just ignore the nagging feeling in his chest, telling him that he shouldn't be nosy and to keep his eyes away from anything he's not supposed to see.

What surprises him, though, is the way Soobin looks and waves at him when he enters the room. Soobin was talking to Hobi about something, leaning against the wall as usual with his arms crossed across his middle. He pauses from talking when he spots Yeonjun entering and raises a hand. Hobi turns back to greet him with a wave as well.

Yeonjun awkwardly waves back before going to his seat. Soobin and Hobi resume talking and the rest of the session went smoothly without anything weird happening. Soobin didn't send him nasty looks, he didn't avoid Yeonjun or anything. He was his usual, annoying, and a little bit overbearing self.

And that was a bit more concerning Yeonjun. The default is for Soobin to push him away and never talk to him again. That's what all people do when they don't want their vulnerable parts exposed.

But it never happened, and it throws Yeonjun off.

Instead, during their short break, Soobin drags a chair and positions the back of it in front of Yeonjun. He sits and rests his arms on the back of the chair before stretching an arm out, phone in hand.

"Give me your number," he says nonchalantly.

"What?"

"I know you heard me, I'm not going to repeat myself," Soobin counters. "I need your number so I can text you the details about where we'll meet tomorrow."

"Tomorrow's Sunday," Yeonjun replies.

"Yeah," Soobin nods his head like Yeonjun should be understanding where this conversation is going to. "We're going to meet tomorrow because it's Sunday so I need your number because I'm going to text you the details of when and where we'll meet."

Yeonjun effectively freezes and gapes at Soobin. Soobin acting strange is one thing, but him making plans without even consulting Yeonjun is another thing.

"And when did you decide this?" Yeonjun asks. He straightens a little to appear intimidating. "You know I still have to ask permission from my mom. In fact, you need to ask permission from me if I want to come to whatever this is you're planning to do!"

But Soobin only tilts his head to the side and pushes his tongue against his cheek. When he smirks, it makes Yeonjun a little bit irritated.

Soobin runs a hand through his hair. "I'm going to tell you tomorrow."

"Tell me what?"

Soobin pauses and looks at Yeonjun. "Why I'm here in group therapy. Why I only wear long-sleeved shirts. Why I didn't want you to feel guilty about parts of me that you've seen."

Yeonjun never expected that answer. He didn't want to pressure Soobin into divulging parts of his life because it's not Yeonjun's business. And they were not friends, he needs to remind himself. But why? Why would Soobin willingly open up to him when they were barely acquaintances?

Yet his hand reaches out to the phone and he enters his name and number in his contacts list. In the end, his curiosity got the best of him. He couldn't care less about a guy in group therapy, but he did care about the person behind the scars and wounds. He did care about yet another fragile thing that he's not even sure if he's strong enough to handle.

"I have to ask my mom permission first," Yeonjun says.

"That's fine with me," Soobin sighs. "If she doesn't let you come, I'll tell you anyway."

But Yoojin did say yes.

"Really?" Yeonjun asks her after recovering from a coughing fit.

"Yeah," she shrugs and picks on the baby potatoes on her plate. "The doctor said forming new bonds could be good for you. You know, group therapy has been great, but having a friend that is closer to your age would be even better," Yoojin explains.

Yeonjun just thinks she has this weird affinity for Soobin. It must be her motherly instincts, but he can't tell for sure.

"Just text me when I'll pick you up, okay? I know public transport can be a bit too much when you're on your own so I don't expect you to come home by riding the bus. Just let me know when and where I'll pick you up after you hang out with Soobin."

He doesn't know how to feel about that. He really was expecting his mom to say no or at least put up a bit of a fight. She's been so overprotective of him ever since... it... happened.

The first text came that night before his head hits his pillow.

"Same ice cream place, 1 pm. see ya :)"

* * *

To say that Yeonjun is nervous would be a grave understatement. He hasn't been out of the house without his mom's supervision for such a long time that he thinks he's developing some sort of separation anxiety. Plus, it's been a while since he last hang out with a friend. Or a non-friend in this situation. His relationship with Soobin is still blurry and he might revisit it later to orient himself.

Nevertheless, his supposed meeting with Soobin has been giving him cold feet. He barely slept. And when they passed by the building where their group therapy is held, Yeonjun starts to overthink. But just before he forces his mom to turn the car back around and drive home, they finally arrived at the ice cream parlor. Soobin was sitting on one of the benches donning a white ensemble from head to toe. It was very different from his usual black hoodie and black sweatpants.

Soobin notices the car and immediately stands up. He's carrying a large green tote bag on his shoulders.

Yeonjun takes a deep breath before exiting the car with his mom. There's no going back now.

"Good afternoon, ma'am," Soobin greets politely. "Thanks for giving permission to Yeonjun to come with me today."

Yoojin snorts. "Don't worry about it. I'm glad he has a new friend." When she says it, she looks at Yeonjun knowingly as if to send him a secret message. But Yeonjun didn't bother deciphering what his mom just sent him. He just rolls his eyes discreetly.

After a few reminders about texting Yoojin when they'll go home, Yoojin finally gives Yeonjun a kiss on the cheek (which he doesn't deny because it does relieve some of his nerves) and hugs Soobin before driving off. The two of them wave back at her as she disappears into the distance.

"Come on," Soobin urges as he walks to a direction that was clearly not the ice cream parlor.

"Where are we going exactly?" Yeonjun asks when they pass by a couple of boutiques and it dawns on him that he's not really sure where they're headed.

"To Ansan," Soobin answers nonchalantly.

Yeonjun, on the other hand, all but bursts. "What?!" he exclaims as he freezes. A couple of passers-by throw him weirded looks. "What do you mean Ansan? I thought you were just going to tell me about..." he pauses and lowers his tone when he notices that some eyes were still on him."You know..." Soobin quirks a brow. "I thought we were just going to have a chat or something like that."

"If I just wanted to talk, I would have just texted you last night," Soobin says.

Fair point. On hindsight, Yeonjun should have asked more details before agreeing to meet with Soobin. When he said that he's going to tell Yeonjun a bit about his past, Yeonjun should have clarifies why they had to meet in person.

Yeonjun could do nothing but pout for being too credulous. He reminds himself that his interactions with Soobin have not been normal and that he should not put his guard down around him. Then again, his curiosity got the best of him. Why does he want to know about Soobin's past? Is it because of his unconscious guilt that even Soobin has told him not to feel?

"It's less than an hour away," Soobin tells him. "We'll take the subway. I mean, if you're still up for it."

He could call his mom immediately to pick him up. But he will never learn about what's in Ansan and why Soobin is so willing to show him. So in the end, he finds himself buying his own subway ticket to Ansan and then sitting across Soobin on the subway.

He tries his best to calm down. Though Soobin has his own eccentric feats, Yeonjun knows that he's not a bad person and that nothing bad will happen to them. He distracts himself by looking out of the window, noticing the good weather and the beautiful scenery that's momentarily blocked as they go through tunnels.

He feels Soobin looking at him, and when he turns, his suspicions are confirmed. Soobin only smiles cheekily at him like he always does. And as usual. Yeonjun doesn't return it.

"What's in Ansan?" Yeonjun asks.

Soobin's smile drops minutely and Yeonjun notices how he fidgets his fingers. The scars look back at him. "Very important parts of my past." And they leave it at that. Yeonjun doesn't pry more just because he knows Soobin wouldn't supply him with an answer anyway. So instead, he puts his earbuds on and listens to music to pass the time, hoping that this spontaneous trip with Soobin would be worth it.

* * *

An hour later, Yeonjun is being shaken awake by Soobin and telling him that they have arrived. He didn't know he fell asleep, but he thinks it's fine since he's been tossing and turning the night before.

Yeonjun follows Soobin as they weave through a small town which had a couple of restaurants and small shops that sell fruits and vegetables. They passed by a toy shop and a small cart of a woman who was selling fish-shaped bread. Yeonjun makes a mental note to buy some later. After a few minutes of walking, they briefly stop by a flower shop where Soobin buys a bouquet of flowers. And then they walk again.

"Okay, can you tell me where we're going now?" Yeonjun half-whines. He's a bit hungry and a lot tired from walking endlessly.

Soobin gives him a small smile and then points to an iron arch which they were quickly nearing. "There."

It was a cemetery. The usual green fields filled with headstones and littered with both fresh and wilted flowers. It wasn't a place Yeonjun expected to visit, but it somehow made sense. Someone important on Soobin's past must be here.

"Soobin..." Yeonjun weakly calls out when they trek uphill. He intended to call his attention, but it was also some kind of apology. Like he's saying sorry for being too nosy and that Soobin didn't have to go to such lengths fo make him understand. But Soobin only looks back and pulls him by the arm before stopping at a large headstone. There were four stone pillars behind it, with four different names.

Soobin lays down the bouquet and retrieves the things on his tote bag. He places paper plates and fills each of them with bread and rice cakes. Then he places small shot glasses on the headstone before filling them each with soju. He then lights for candles and bows.

Soobin finally straightens and smiles to the headstone. "Hey, mom. Dad. Hyung. Noona."

Yeonjun gulps as realization dawns on him. His whole family is here.

"It's been a while. I miss you as always," Soobin says then gestures to Yeonjun. "This is Yeonjun, by the way. I met him at group therapy. He's nice."

Yeonjun stutters but proceeds to bow to the headstone as well. "Hello. It's nice to meet you."

Soobin snorts beside him which seemed out of place. "What?"

"Nothing," Soobin dismisses.

Soobin then prompts Yeonjun to sit beside him on the grass before he rants about things to his family. Yeonjun silently listened while Soobin updated his family about his life, how his new place was better yet cheaper than the previous one. He tells them that he loves working at the cafe and at the ice cream shop (it was news to Yeonjun, but it made sense why the guy at the ice cream shop knows Soobin).

"Group therapy is going well, too," Soobin adds. "Hobi has been helping me a lot. I bet I can finally quit smoking this year."

"I didn't know you smoked," Yeonjun interrupts. Soobin doesn't seem the type to do so. Then again, where else would his cigarette burns come from?

Soobin smiles at him before turning back to the headstone. "See! I'm so good at cutting back that this one right here doesn't even notice!" He laughs to himself. "But for your info," he turns to Yeonjun again. "I'm only trying to cut it back to one stick a day. I haven't even smoked today so," then he shrugs.

"That's nice, I guess," Yeonjun tries to say in support but it came out too sadly which he hoped didn't offend Soobin.

"Thanks," Soobin replies.

There was a moment of silence between the two of them before Soobin scoots to get two more shot glasses from the tote bag. He hands one to Yeonjun before pulling out the soju bottle again. He moves to fill Yeonjun's glass but Yeonjun covers the mouth of the glass and says, "I don't drink."

Soobin shrugs and pours a shot for himself before handing a bottle of grape juice to Yeonjun. He raises his soju shot before downing it one go, hissing in the aftermath as it burns his throat. Yeonjun follows him by taking a big gulp of grape juice.

"I promised them we'd all have a drink when I finally become an adult," Soobin starts. His eyes look lost, longing. "But... yeah. Things happened."

Yeonjun quietly waits for Soobin to say more but braces himself for the worst. There are no redeeming qualities to sad stories after all.

"This time two years ago, I was still in college. I lived in a dorm room in Seoul while my family is in Ansan. My parents were against it at first because they worry about me, but I insisted. I said I'd work hard since I have a scholarship anyway.

"The first few months were bearable, but there was this one time that I insisted I want to go home, even threatened to quit school because I was so stressed out. They all visited to cheer me up and we came to this one restaurant that served the best steak I've ever had.

"My parents and my siblings talked me out of it, said that it's been my lifelong dream to attend a good university and become a teacher. It was probably the best night of my life. I felt so loved then and so motivated. But..."

Soobin chokes and tears were freely rolling down his face. Yeonjun tries to look away, but something in him urged to scoot closer to Soobin if it meant giving the least bit of comfort without completely invading his space.

"They were on their way home. It rained that day and one of the intersections had a faulty stoplight... Dad tried to..."

Soobin sobs and Yeonjun tries his best to keep his hands to himself but he mindlessly grabs one of Soobin's hands and firmly grasps. He could feel the bumps and callouses on his skin as he interlaces their fingers.

"Dad tried to stop but a truck came speeding and... I didn't know what to do. I only had them, you know? And then suddenly they just... They all..."

Yeonjun puts an arm around Soobin and lets him cry on his shoulder. "It's okay. You don't have to if it's too much. I understand," he assures through whispers.

"I had nothing left so I thought what's the point of living?" Soobin mumbles.

Yeonjun squeezes his eyes shut as his own heart breaks.

"I thought it'd be better if..."

Behind Yeonjun's eyes he sees the way he looked in the mirror. His foggy reflection stares back at him hauntingly.

"But my roommate found me and..."

The tiles of the bathroom floor were cold against his feet but his blood was warm and buzzing underneath his skin. Yeonjun wanted to scream when he finally feels something after weeks of being numb.

"It's still difficult. And at times I still do it. But I don't want to anymore. At some point, I have to stop. They wouldn't like it if I hurt myself."

Yeonjun reminds himself of his mom's warm embrace and the way she kisses his forehead to greet him good morning. It was probably the only thing that keeps him sane.

"It's not your fault," Yeonjun finally says. He realizes that both his arms are around Soobin at this point. "It wasn't your fault. And you're right, they wouldn't have been happy to know that you're still hurting."

He wishes he could tell it to himself.

"I just wish I wasn't so alone," Soobin whispers in between sniffles.

Yeonjun isn't alone. There are times when he thinks he is, and they can be too much to bear, but his mom is still there and she does everything for him. Hobi is there for him. Sheri, too. And now, even Soobin.

Yeonjun leans back for a moment so he could face Soobin. "You're not. I'm here too if you need me you know."

His words startle Soobin slightly, evident by the way his eyes widen. "We're friends, aren't we?" The relief in Soobin's face shined and Yeonjun admits that it made hin smile as well.

Yeonjun wonders if he had someone to tell him these things in the past, would he have done the things he did? But he figures there was no point mulling over what if's when he's already living in a moment where he could heal, where he could do so much more than to dwell into the unchangeable past.

When both of them go back to their senses, they clean up and bowed to Soobin's family for the last time. They decided to have a proper meal before heading back to Seoul. Yeonjun reminded himself to bring the fish-shapedbread for his mom.

For the remainder of the day, until they exited the subway and head back to the benches while waiting for a familiar blue Toyota to pick Yeonjun up, their hands were intertwined as if to tell each other "I'm here, I'll be your strength when at times you feel weak".

Yeonjun adds another reason to wake up the next day.

* * *

Yeonjun and Soobin's short trip to Ansan made something between them... change. For instance, Yeonjun knows now that they are definitely beyond acquaintances who sit beside each other during therapy. Talking to him feels much more comfortable now.

They text a lot. Mostly rants about Soobin's rude customers which are met with Yeonjun's lame dad jokes. They occasionally go back and forth about the new show that they have been watching (TLC documentaries are trash but both of them are too engaged to let it go). There was also one time when they share their playlists and find out that they have very different tastes in music.

On Saturdays, they chat more and secretly hog the snacks on the snacks table. Sometimes they go to the ice cream parlor, but Soobin also introduced him to a little French-themed restaurant which they also frequent. Yeonjun loves the tiny sandwiches, but loves more the fact that Soobin has managed to cut back his smoking to one stick a week. It was immense progress, and as his friend (yes, he's admitting it now), he feels happy that he could witness Soobin's journey to healing. Perhaps this is how Hobi feels when they report good things to him during their sessions.

Aside from that, he notices how touchy Soobin can get when he's comfortable around someone. He's noticed it before during the first few sessions, Soobin would touch Hobi's arm, he'd hug some members during break time. There was also that one time which annoyed Yeonjun when Soobin unceremoniously held on to Yeonjun's hand after a meditating activity.

But now, he welcomes Soobin's affectionate touches now that he understands why he does it. So when Soobin holds his hand even outside of their sessions, he lets him. When he backhugs Yeonjun on the snacks table just to tell him a lame joke, he just rolls his eyes but keeps him there. In his defense, he likes it too. He used to be as touchy as Soobin before all this shit happened to him. He justifies it as his own form of progress as well, letting others in his space.

"This group therapy thing is good for you," Yoojin tells Yeonjun on a Friday night when they were preparing for the next day's session. Unlike their usual sessions, Hobi invited everyone to his friend's art exhibit. Not everyone is interested in art, but I think everyone likes the change of environment and they could pretend they're in a field trip or something.

"Yeah, it's fun," Yeonjun says as he packs the snacks in his bag. He remembers to have another plastic box of kimbap for Soobin because he's been pestering Yeonjun about it.

("It's really nothing special. It's just a regular kimbap recipe."

"I will deconstruct it and I will find our your family secrets.")

He unconsciously smiles at the memory which his mom notices. When he realizes the smirk on her face, he immediately schools his expression.

"How's Soobin?" Yoojin asks. She always asks about Soobin. It almost makes Yeonjun feel a bit jealous.

"Soobin's fine," Yeonjun replies. "He found this Spanish channel on TV the other day. He doesn't understand anything, but he's too entranced with the dramas. Is this a watermelon cocktail?" Yeonjun points to the glasses. His mom picked up a few mixology tips from the weddings she's planned and she practices them from time to time, keen on using non-alcoholic alternatives so Yeonjun could have a taste.

She nods and gestures for him to try it. Yeonjun likes the swirly straw.

"You've been pretty close with Soobin," Yoojin continues. "I'm really happy I agreed to let you go on that date."

The way Yeonjun chokes on the watermelon mocktail was too comical. He accidentally inhales the mint leaf garnish and he swears he saw his life flash before his eyes. "What?!" he exclaims when he finally gets his bearings.

Yoojin laughs. "That one time when I drove you to the ice cream shop on a Sunday?"

Yeonjun wants to laugh but decides to clear the confusion before his mom gets anymore weird ideas. "Mom, no. No. That wasn't a date. He just—" he pauses and thinks for a second. What Soobin shared to him that day was too personal to divulge. He decides it's better to keep it between them, he doesn't want to lose Soobin's trust after all.

"We just hung out. It wasn't a date. It wasn't like that. We're not like that. We're just friends," Yeonjun says in one breath. But his mom still has that shit-eating grin on his face that he's sure he's seen somewhere else before.

Right, Hobi. And Sheri. And a couple more people from therapy. Oh my... Does everyone think Yeonjun and Soobin are a thing?

Yoojin resigns and sighs. "Sure. But I just want you to know that it's alright, okay?" Her last remarks felt heavier than before. Yeonjun knows that his mom accepts and loves him, but they really haven't talked about this part of him for a long time that it sends a shiver down his spine.

"Yeah, I know," Yeonjun says.

"I really want you to be happy, love," she adds.

"But I'm happy, mom," Yeonjun says. He's not at the peak of joy and contentment, but he can honestly say now that he's happier than before. He has people around who loves him and cares for him, and he doesn't spend his every waking moment hating himself which is a big improvement.

They shrug off the weird conversation about Soobin and Yeonjun's wellbeing, and decided to call it a night.

Yeonjun was well-rested the morning after, a bit excited to go somewhere he's never been to before. He's not a big fan of art exhibits and he's not going to pretend that he is. Though he thinks that spending a day surrounded by pretty things might be calming. Plus, he likes guessing the meaning behind some of the more pretentious pieces like it's a game.

Hobi rounds up the group at the entrance. It was a rather large museum with a handful of visitors. In front of the facade was a large poster about the available exhibits: the first one was a display of wood carvings and the other one was of a painting that Yeonjun couldn't discern.

"Hey," Soobin greets beside him. "Is your mom here?"

Yeonjun huffs. "I told you to stop flirting with my mom."

"And I told you that your mom is beautiful and kind, but that'a gross. I'm like the son he never had," he teases.

Yeonjun weakly punches him on the side which makes Soobin groan, a hand circles on the spot that he's been hit. "She has work stuff to do so she's just going to pick me up later."

"Right."

Hobi introduces the group to a tall man beside him. He has a professional but friendly aura on him. And when he smiles, his dimples appear like Soobin's. His name is Kim Namjoon and he's going to be showing them around the wood carving exhibit. After the tour, they're free to roam around the museum as long as they go back in front of the building at 2 PM.

The exhibit was beautiful and interesting. The types of wood produce different art pieces. Even the rotting and more damaged ones still look majestic behind their glass boxes. Namjoon was nice too, very accommodating with their questions. He has some of his pieces displayed but majority of them are from different artists he curated.

Namjoon shows them some wooden jars that were used by a group for their rituals and spiritual rites. The engravings mimic ocean waves and the lid was fashioned to make it look like a boat with two people sitting in it. One of the bodies had a head of a pig while the other looks like it's wearing an elegant headdress.

"That's me," Soobin points at the one with the headdress. "And that's you," he tells Yeonjun while pointing at the pig creature.

His remarks were met with a strong but discreet elbow to the side. Soobin groans for the second time that day.

After the exhibit, the group takes a short break at the picnic tables outside. Yeonjun shares his kimbap while the rest bring out their own food contributions. They also had the chance to converse with Namjoon. They find out that Hobi and Namjoon have known each other since high school, but that their bond became stronger when Namjoon signed up for group therapy during the earlier parts of his career.

"Being a starving artist was no joke," Namjoon tells them. "I gave up a lot of times, fell into vice. But I'm thankful that I have Hobi," he says while putting an arm around his friend. "He helped me get through it and patiently got me back to my feet."

"Ah, but it wouldn't have been successful without Jin's help," Hobi says with a high-pitched tone that made Namjoon blush. Apparently, Jin was another guy from their group therapy who got acquainted with Namjoon. They got close, fell in love, and eventually got married, as summarized by Namjoon himself.

"We helped each other," Namjoon says fondly before taking a bite of kimbap.

Yeonjun smiles and genuinely feels warm at the thought that people like them have a chance to start a new life. Though it may take a long time, it would happen eventually. Who knows, maybe in the future, Yeonjun would be able to figure out what he truly wants for himself. Maybe he'd fall in love and start anew, too! The possibilities are endless, and seeing how happy Namjoon is right now is evidence that their lives aren't going to be defined forever by the bad choices they made.

When they finally finish lunch, Hobi allows everyone to see more of the museum. Yeonjun had no time to decide where to go next when Soobin suddenly grabs his hand and practically drags him inside the museum. They only slow down when one of the guards scold them, "No running!"

"Where are we going?" Yeonjun asks quietly as to not disturb the other visitors. They enter the elevator and Soobin presses the '3' button.

"Third floor. Abstract paintings."

Yeonjun doesn't appreciate abstract paintings as much as the more traditional ones that clearly show actual, discernible images. Abstract paintings are too obscure, too uncertain, and too open for interpretation that he files it under 'pretentious pieces'. And it seems that not only Yeonjun feels the same way. The third floor is completely deserted save for a couple of museum staff roaming around.

"Your taste in art is... odd," Yeonjun tells Soobin as he holds the other's hand. He's not good in crowded spaces, but the thought of being alone in such a huge space can also be a scary prospect to him.

Soobin smiles and holds his hand tighter. "I actually have no taste in art because I don't get it," Soobin replies. "But I wanted to see this painting that apparently costs two hundred million won so..."

The painting in question was the one being advertised on the poster in front of the museum. It's housed behind a glass that is probably behind invisible lasers. The paintings that surround it are from the same artist.

"What do you think?" Soobin asks him when they finally stand in front of the painting.

Yeonjun looks over to the painting and focuses on its details. It wasn't bright or flashy like the other paintings are, but it was a significantly bigger piece, about eight feet tall and ten feet wide. He squints and notices that the canvas was not only painted with paint blobs and splatters but also with holes and rips, like the artist mangled it before deciding to frame it up.

"It looks drab. It looks a bit sad, to be honest," Yeonjun answers.

"Just say it's ugly," Soobin jokes. "And overpriced."

"Hey, it has its own exhibit for a reason," Yeonjun says. He doesn't know why he feels the need to defend this piece of art when he doesn't get it in the first place. But for a moment, he plays his game and tries to dissect the meaning behind it.

"It's a little bit ugly," Yeonjun admits. "And a little bit drab and damaged. But I think the artist was projecting his own emotions into it. Like he wants anyone who sees this to see him, how broken he is. It doesn't hide the fact that it's not pretty like all the others. It just wants us to feel something real. So in a way, it's still beautiful in its own twisted way," he pauses and stifles a laugh. How pretentious. "It's just like us."

"In what way?" Soobin says this time with a solemn tone. In his periphery, Yeonjun could feel more than see Soobin staring at him.

Yeonjun sighs. "That no matter how ugly or damaged we are, we are still beautiful. We still have value. Maybe we don't realize it, but to someone, we're still worth something." He reminds himself of his mom and how much she loves him despite everything. To her, Yeonjun is still valuable, still worth loving and caring for.

And Soobin? Soobin is still important to someone. In fact, he's an important friend to Yeonjun, a person who's there to support him in his journey to healing, too.

Soobin lets go of Yeonjun's hand. It prompts Yeonjun to look at him but before he could properly get a look of his taller friend, he's suddenly being kissed.

Yeonjun's eyes widen in surprise, not sure how to react at the pressure on his lips. His skin grew incredibly warm but his blood also ran cold. It confused him and he didn't know what to do when Soobin's this close to him, his eyes closed and his hands holding him still.

It feels... It feels...

Soobin suddenly breaks the kiss. When he sees Yeonjun's surprised expression, his eyes darken and he quickly retreats from holding Yeonjun's arms. He takes a step back, mouth downturned.

"I... You..." Yeonjun tries to say something, but it's like his lips are still weighed down by the pressure of Soobin's kiss. It's difficult to find the right words when his thoughts are scrambled as well.

He should have realized this sooner, should have noticed the signs when they're blatantly displayed in front of his face. But having to finally face this indirect confession from Soobin feels like being dumped with a bucket of ice cold water.

The tense moment breaks when Sheri rounds the corner and calls for the two of them. "Soobin, Yeonjun! I've been looking everywhere for you. Come on, we still have ten minutes before the meet-up time. We don't want to worry everyone."

Soobin nods and makes his way to the elevator without meeting Sheri's or Yeonjun's eyes. He didn't say good bye to Yeonjun when Yoojin arrived. He didn't text the next day too, and the day after that.

And it honestly confused Yeonjun because... Well, he doesn't even know why. If it really were an indirect confession from Soobin, he should just be honest and tell him he doesn't feel the same way and that they can still be friends. But he finds it difficult. He doesn't want to hurt Soobin's feelings. And he doesn't want to ruin their friendship too.

He feels guilty. He shouldn't have let Soobin on even if he wasn't aware of it. He shouldn't have let him hold his hands or hug him. He shouldn't have been too close. And now, he feels like he should punish himself for it. He's the reason why Soobin must be hurting now.

Slowly, he scratches the unforgiving itch on his side until it's replaced by pain and trickles of blood. He cries as he does so, telling himself that it's all his fault. Soobin doesn't deserve to feel hurt over something Yeonjun has done.

His cries must have been louder than he let on because his mom suddenly barges into his room and sees his weeping state. Yeonjun closes his eyes when he sees the sad look in his mom's eyes.

It's his fault his mom is hurting, too. It's his fault. It's his fault.

"It's not, love. It's not your fault," his mom reassures him. She's now sitting on his bed and carefully pries off Yeonjun's hands away from his body.

Yeonjun doesn't know when he fell into a dreamless sleep, but when he woke up the next morning, his tears are dry and there are Band-Aids on his sides. His nails were clipped short.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drop by my twitter and curiouscat both @sundaewrites!

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @sundaewrites  
> curiouscat: @sundaewrites


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